[ call.me.patience ]

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9.20.2010

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I can really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)…

So the song goes. But can I really continue on pretending when all I got is almost fading?

Right now, I don’t exactly know what’s been happening to my life. I couldn’t, don’t want to say that it’s getting nowhere. I still know I’m getting somewhere. Maybe there are so many things I need to learn before I finally reach my goals. I’m not complaining, yet. But I’m starting to get tired.

Every day I’m feeling like I’m dying. I don’t want to die, of course, but I just can’t feel my breath sometimes. I can’t see the direction I’m going through. Or do I still have a path to follow?

Am I pretentious? Am I just playing around and I chose this place to play on with? Am I living? Or should I be leaving?

One thing I learned. I don’t want to stop even if my body wants to stop. I want to push myself up. I want to fight. I want to really live. I am living. I am breathing. But sometimes it’s like I’m breathing without knowing it. I’m living without feeling alive. I’m both alive and dead.

When? Until when will I wait? Until when will I live? Until when will I learn to stop?

I want to pursue my dreams but every time I had the chance I always end up questioning myself, is this really the right thing to do? Would this take me somewhere? See, I’m being crappy. I’m just wasting my time for nothing. And I’m wasting my parents’ money for my nonsense desires.

Before, there’s always that guiding light I follow. With that I don’t get lost. I always reach my destination. I always see results. But now, it’s different. I cannot clearly see where I’m going. I don’t even know if I’m moving. I don’t want this. I want this to stop.

Listen. They told me to listen and think. They want me to think deeply. I did. I thought I did. But I didn’t. I just listened but didn’t think of it.

Though I haven’t really listened, I keep looking for it. And I am still looking for it. Only, I don’t know how long. I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in here.

What now? Should I stop and go back or should I continue and move forward? Or maybe, I can still pretend and hope to see a shooting star and wish on it.

Labels: dreams, sad, unemployment

+ yaNix + 9/20/2010 11:11:00 PM

How many hours, days, weeks, and months exactly do I still have to endure?

There are 24 hours a day, seven days a week, four or five weeks a month. Every week, I’m receiving an allowance of Php 1 000.00. Every day I spend about 200 bucks for food and travel expenses. But in a week I always encounter shortage of budget. Why because I am an extravagant spender. Yes, I always spend too much. I eat and eat and eat.

Too much eating is one of the biggest problems I encounter every week. And yet I don’t see results. I mean I eat and eat and eat but I don’t get taller! Instead I get bigger and bigger every single day.

Getting bigger and having all that yucky flab is one of the results of overeating. I was wrong. I see results but not the kind of thing I wanted to see. I got these from foods which contain carbs, calories, and junks. And this makes me broke every end of the week. 

Usually, I receive my allowance every Monday which is why I super love this day. However, on weekends I always feel like I belong to the marginalized sector of the society because there’s only a meager amount of money left on my pocket. Sometimes, I really don’t have anything to spend even for food.

It is sad. I know. I feel. And yet I still don’t change. I still spend. I love it but I don’t want me to stay this way. I want to change.

Change is, may be, the thing that I really have to do. I need to depend not on my parents but on myself. I need to find a job. I need to work. I have to.

But, how many hours, days, weeks and months do I still have to let pass before I land a job?

Labels: depression, sad, unemployment

+ yaNix + 9/20/2010 11:10:00 PM

September 11, 2010 an appointment was set with some of the alumnae of the College of Agriculture. It was supposed to be an after-lunch-appointment but it was moved to an evening meeting.

7:00pm we had to go to the Agriculture faculty office to meet with Ma’am Trel since she was our “guide” or contact person.

7:05pm we immediately went out of the office to take a short travel to the interviewee’s house. Actually we were supposed to arrive at exactly 7:30pm but the alumnae were texting Ma’am Trel to meet with them already since they were all there.

And by 7:15pm or so, we started our short travel to the interviewee’s house.

The house

It was awesome.

The house awed us all. It was huge but not too huge. The lighting was great and cozy. It was like you were having a date with the people you love. The paintings and the other art collections were amazing. Everything in that house is so wonderful that you wanted to live there or buy that house.

The interviewees

All of them were women who just love to talk.

Yes, they’re all women who took Development Communication during their college. Though they have the same course and sexuality still they are different. They are very opinionated and spontaneous specially in recalling all the memories they shared with the “Big Boy”.

They all love Masterson.

The interview

The interview’s main purpose is to know more about the man who put so much effort in putting up a college who would make Mindanao a better place. It’s about Masterson, Masterson, and Masterson. However, during the whole duration of the interview, though it was all about the “Big Boy”, it became more like of a nostalgia to the alumnae who reminisced their meeting with Masterson.

First it was a casual conversation you usually share with your closest of friends. It was a simple recall of your past. Suddenly it turned into something colorful then into a more interesting discussion.

Focus Group Discussion (FGD) was the supposed way of getting idea about who really Masterson is. But as the simple recall of memories went on it became more like of a deeper understanding about Masterson’s goodness, about his generosity, his being a beggar.

I thought they would always mention Masterson as a visionary. I thought they wouldn’t disagree or say something not really that great about him. But I was wrong. Ms. Ching said that sometimes “you just want to hate him (Masterson)”. When I heard that, I didn’t fret but was shocked. Then I come to realize that maybe they are really that close for her to say that. Maybe, there’s just something in Masterson that you would love to hate because of his dreams for the College of Agriculture, for the whole Mindanao.

Masterson, according to Sister Mila, was a match-maker. Yes, he would always find the love of your life for you. He had this sort of game wherein all those guys and girls who are single and would love to find love can list their names on a sheet of paper and put it inside his letterbox. Then he would read all the names and match those people who wrote their name on a piece of paper. If he thinks that some of those can be good lovers then he would surely try to make the two of you become lovers. But if the doesn’t find anyone worthy of your person, he would not exert any effort to prepare a date for you.

Dating wasn’t alien to Masterson though they didn’t mention about Masterson’s love life. However, it’s a sure thing that Masterson values love in all its aspect. He can be your crying shoulder when you need to weep just like what Ms. Ching did. Actually that was the first scene she had with Masterson that she fully realized how good of a person Masterson is. She remembered herself crying on Masterson’s shoulders. He let her cry it all out. He even told Ms. Ching that he could adopt or sort of act as the father figure of ms. Ching’s sons because for him it takes a man to bring out boys (as told to ms. ching).

Untold answers to some of our questions were asked and were given a richer answer. Then we bade goodbye.

***

The whole interview was funny, emotional (though nobody cried), intellectual. It was full of heart and dreams. It wasn’t a question-and-answer-interview type. It was a recollection. And from that simple recall I realized that it’s good to dream really that big no matter how many people would laugh at you. Besides, all dreams were once illusions. All dreams started as impossible. And yet, you can always find ways to reach it. One thing I wish right now is to make my IMPOSSIBLE DREAM come true for me to finally say I’m possible just like Masterson.

Labels: dreams, life, realizations

+ yaNix + 9/20/2010 11:08:00 PM