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4.25.2010

Labels: friends, happiness, happy, sad

Extreme depression – that’s what I exactly felt right after graduation. It was brought by my earnest wanting to landing a job before June breaks. Unfortunately I was such a failure. Yeah, I might have spilled the beans before though but it still hurts a bit. However, the pain was gone when a close friend (though we’re not always together) told me, actually replied, that maybe there is something in the real world waiting for me - something bigger and greater. And, that alone made the emptiness I felt vanished. I was thankful then.

Right now, I don’t exactly know what I feel. I mean, I so wanted to really have a job already yet that depression pushes me to just chill and wait for some time. Yeah, I do want to find time to really relax and unwind but should that situation lead me to some laziness again before it would open doors to new depression? I mean, Jeff, a super senior dc, is right. What if my friends will already enjoy their new life with a very interesting job and leave me alone jobless? Would that make me happy? Would “chilling out” make me happy?

Whew! This is such a creep! I don’t want this. I don’t wanna get mad thinking about my future because it has yet unfolded its real face.

I hope that someday, the soonest if possible, I will bumped into a wonderful job - that job I’m so hoping to have.

Labels: depression, sad

March 27, 2010 made me so excited. Indeed, it has made my day. All the emotions were felt during that very special day. I was stunned by the so many people who gathered and celebrated with the graduates. I was panic-stricken because of the crowded gymnasium (I don’t know why but maybe I am agoraphobic. haha). And then right after the graduation I was so happy that finally I am a graduate. We took so many pictures. Laughter and smile were seen in every corner of the gymnasium. When we got outside of the gym I felt this horrible sensation. I felt angry. I was angry because I couldn’t see where my family is. As we, dc pipz, continued our picture taking my mother suddenly called. Instead of me being so happy that she called I was getting angrier because I texted her many times and even miscalled her. After some time we saw each other and then we bound for lunch. So that’s the day of the graduation.

Days after graduation, I was left in our house. Oh, well I’m not really the only one who’s left. My parents are with me but I felt so alone because I’ve no one to really have a deep conversation with. All I have is my cell phone, my only company which could make me feel as if I’m with my batch mates. As my phone rings I shiver because of excitement and wonder. Excitement because of a text message I receive. Wonder of who might be the person texting me.

A week after the graduation, I went to Cagayan de Oro City (CdeO) to seek for available jobs together with my closest pals. We handed our application letters and resumes to any institution/company we could see. Some of those actually didn’t post any visual materials telling of a job vacancy but still we tried to pass the usual requirements. And then, after we passed the requirements on one bank in CdeO, two of my friends received a text from them telling them that they are to be interviewed the following day. But, I did not receive any text message at all. They were so excited. We all wondered why I didn’t receive any message when in fact my application letter and resume were sandwiched between their application letters and resumes. And then I suddenly came across this thinking that maybe I was not called for an interview because I’m ugly and too short. And what I thought might be the reason is no joke because if you compare our grades and skills all were almost just the same except that they’re good-looking and I am not.

Honestly, I was hurt the moment they receive their texts. I was hurt not because I was not texted but because I felt discriminated. My insecurities strike again. I see bias. And it hurts because I can’t do anything about it. I’m no witch who can make my appearance better or the best nor can I make my height taller. I just can’t do anything about it at all. And the thought of not landing a job because of these things haunts me. I wanna work already. But I don’t know when I can find an institution which will not judge me for my defects.

I’m sad.

Labels: first, heartbreak

March 28, 20010.

Sunday and unfortunately I forgot it was Sunday. 4 days after my 20^th birthday. It’s the day after my graduation. First day of my summer stay here in our house. And, officially the start of my summer break. Also, it’s the first day of my being UNEMPLOYED. haha

And this day we’re celebrating for my 20^th birthday and my graduation. Finally, I’m a graduate! A degree holder! And, I love that.

As we celebrate today’s occasion one thing comes to my mind. I’m not one of them. This, maybe, is the saddest reality I could not want to grasp. I do believe that I’m not really one of them. However, I don’t want to believe this unfair reality. It bites me every now and then. It creeps me out.

Yes! It creeps me to death. It’s like I’m having a march through my grave. These people I am with – they’re my family. They’ve been with me since the day of my birth. They’ve been my refuge, the cause of my grief, the reason for my happiness, and one of the people I wanna live with and die for.

My thinking might contradict my feelings. Actually, it does. And I hate it. I don’t wanna focus on the sad reality I’m pertaining to but I couldn’t help it because today I can sense my indifference. I love them and I wanna get close to them. Unfortunately I don’t know how or should I say I don’t know what to do or say.

Looking at them makes me sad. I’m sad because I can never be like them. I can’t laugh with them. I can’t understand their language though we speak just the same. I can’t figure the wit in their jokes though it just sounds alike to what I joke about.

Today, my heart bleeds. It bleeds because I wounded it. I am hurting myself and them. I’m making a gap between us all. I’m so hungry of love and thirsty of affection and whenever they give that to me I refuse to accept it. Why, because I’m dumb. I’m plain stupid. I don’t wanna receive it just like that because I don’t wanna miss them. I’m nuts, I know. And I think I’m gonna die nuts.

But, before whatever journey I’ll take, I hope I’ll be one of them. I hope I’ll be like them.

I don’t know until when I will be different but there’s one thing I’m really sure of I can never be the same again.

Labels: sad

What’s happening two months before the election?

Election time is almost there and so different advocacies from different candidates has been plug in all forms of media. From watching the television to listening to the radio to the walls in the streets, name it and surely you’ll see/hear it.

Each candidate has been very keen to really make their ads emotional and intellectual. There is that singing kids of Villar’s “nakaligo ka na ba sa dagat ng basura, nagpasko ka na ba sa gitna ng kalsada…”, Teodoro’s “sulong gibo ‘wag uurong”, Enrile’s “gusto ko happy ka” statement, etc. Indeed, these ads have overwhelmed and made the mass tune in to them. But are we hearing and seeing positives? Can we or can they assure us of a beautiful and prosperous future by declaring that they come from the poorest of the poor, they have this galing and talino, or by simply believing in their deeds because of their parents’ goodness? Can any of them assure us of that oh-so-marvelous-future?

You see, nobody could answer that. Why, because nobody could simply tell. Well, maybe someone or a group of individuals may say that, “hey what that candidate is saying is really true because…” but it’s just full of blablablabla. They are just full of promises.

On the other hand, I am no pessimist. I’m just curious as you are. Right now, what I can just do is question anybody about the truth behind those TV ads because I’m always seeing positive and yet in reality nothing positive is left. All the negativity is there because during the elections we don’t really vote. What we do is just choose. We don’t think for the future but on what’s in the now. When we’re offered with money we make a vow to vote for that candidate because s/he has given us something. We just receive but we never ask. We never ask for the reason why we are given that sum of money. We don’t ask because we’re thinking of ourselves. We don’t ask because we’re not really thinking.

You, have you ever asked a candidate why s/he is giving you something? Haven’t you asked him/her the real reason? And didn’t you think that s/he is giving you something because s/he is thinking that if s/he will be in the position, s/he will be able to get back all the money s/he has given to the people. Haven’t it crossed your tiny mind that the giving off of money itself is a sign that that candidate is selfish and conceited to buy your vote with just a thousand?

The candidates must let the people decide and must not force anybody to vote for him/her because if that candidate is true enough to his/her words then s/he must not freak out. There shouldn’t be any reason anyway.

So, my advice is vote wisely. Yeah right, it may be a cliché but just do vote wisely. Exercise your right, it’s your suffrage. Don’t let anybody dictate you because nobody has the right over you. It’s your right, it’s your life. If you love your life don’t waste your vote.

Labels: suffrage

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